by Desaster Area - South Africa (inspired by Douglas Adams)
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. Many races believe that it was created by some sort of god, though the Paralamian people of Viltvodle VI believe that the entire Universe was in fact sneezed out of the nose of a being called the GREAT GREEN ARKLESEIZURE. The Paralamians, who live in perpetual fear of the time they call 'The Coming of The Great White Handkerchief', are small blue creatures with more than fifty arms each, who are therefore unique in being the only race in history to have invented the aerosol deodorant before the wheel... But however, these theories were not accepted by all races. For instance, a race of hyperintelligent pan-dimensional beings once built themselves a gigantic supercomputer called ATARI to calculate once and for all the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything. For seven and a half million years, ATARI computed and calculated, and in the end announced that the another, even bigger, computer had to be built to find out what the actual question was - This computer was called AMIGA. The history of the AMIGA is one of idealism, despair, struggle, passion, success, failure and enormously long lunch-breaks (quoted from an interview with 'DC.L', 17th acting editor of the famous Hardware References Manual). The earliest origins of the Amiga are now, along with most of its financial records, lost in the mists of time. For other, and more curious theories about where they're lost, see below. Most of the surviving stories, however, speak of a 'DC.L'. 'DC.L', it is said, built the Amiga, established its fundamental principals of honesty and idealism and went bust by the Guru-Meditation number 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000.8392830893... and then, PD-stuff, a girl, sitting in front of her Amiga 2000 copying the latest stuff for a swiss seller group that recently published an interview in the Cracker Journal, suddenly realised what it was that had been going wrong all this time, and she finally knew how the world could be made a good and happy place. This time it was right, it wouldork, and no-one would have to get nailed to anything. Sadly, however, before she could get to a phone to tell anyone about it, she was instantaneously dematerialized by a parachuting mutant member of the Quacktex hit squad, who handeled his extremely powerful Kill-O-Zap blaster pistol (which fired blistering Omni-Destructo Zap rays) like an expert. In order of Lord Pim, the Quacktex leader, he continued with this wave of destruction throughout Europe to eliminate all competitors. Lord Pim used to watch these executions live in his coloured, penis formed live transmitter on his spaceship which just happened to be situated far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the galaxy, fifty-three degrees east of a small unregarded yellow sun, orbiting at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles. This, the 'STARSHIP TITANIC' was a monstrously pretty sight as it lay beached like a silver megavoidic whale amongst the laer lit tracery of its construction gantries, a brilliant cloud of pins and needles of light against the deep interstellar blackness. Inspired by this exciting live execution, his brain, which in fact is an empty coke bottle that was placed on the wrong place, feeled ready for a intelligent reconstruction of JULIUS CAESARS' 'veni vidi vici': 'So long, and thanks for all the fish.' he said... -> TO BE CONTINUED...
From now on, you'll see in every issue of this mag new stories from life, the universe and everything
This article originally appeared in the Amiga diskmagazine "Zine #5" by Brainstorm 1990.
Some content may refer to activities that are illegal in some countries. BitFellas does not support such activity.
Addresses and other contact information were only valid when this magazine was originally published, in june of 1990.
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